I have a BIG issue and I am not sure what to do with it. Caroline is stuck on me... like she won't let me leave or even be in the other room. What I am suppose to do?
Saturday nights my husband Chris has begun to let me sleep while he takes care of Caroline's feedings. This is a huge relief as it allows me to get some extra much needed sleep. But, last night when Caroline woke up at 3:45 to eat, I made the huge mistake of walking past her to go to the bathroom. IT WAS ALL OVER after that... she cried for the next 45 minutes as Chris did everything he could to try and calm her down. There was no hope... and as I laid in bed I tried to reason in my head what to do.
I knew deep down that I didn't need to run to the rescue, that would only feed the already growing problem. Eventually though, I gave in...knowing that Chris was growig restless and I hate to hear her cry. The minute that I took her in my arms, the crying stopped and the little one went to sleep.
How long do you let this go on? How long does it take for her to get the clue that I can't always be there... but more importantly do I want to teach her that I wouldn't come to her rescue if she needs me? I am at a loss as to what I need to do.
I stay at home with her, so we are always together. She doesn't go to day care nor do I leave her in any sort of childcare at church or the gym. Usually once a week one set of our parents watches her so that we can take a date night, but here lately the same problem persists.
I desperately want to be able to leave her with family and friends without her freaking out and crying for her momma. But I also want her to know that if she needs me I will be there in a heartbeat. How do you bridge the two?
I am fine with letting her cry it out for a bit... but I don't like it to last 45 minutes. What is a mom to do? Seperation Anxiety is not fun...not fun at all :(
Confused,
Lindsey
I am a first time mom too, with a 12 week old baby girl. I have had some struggles with knowing what to do.
ReplyDeleteI went through a pretty long stage where I just hurt horribly inside when she was crying. When she was crying, I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying to me or think about anything else. I felt like I needed to do something to help her stop crying.
One morning she was crying, and nothing I did seemed to help. Full of anxiety, I prayed about it, asking the Lord for wisdom. I love that James 1 passage which says that if you lack wisdom you should ask the Lord (who gives liberally to all without reproach) for it, and He will give it to you. Only do not doubt.
Within just a few moments it was as if I heard a voice say to me, "What if you just loved her for her own sake?" Don't have an agenda you're trying to enact on her - "make her stop crying," for example. It's not about making her do anything. Just love her.
Sometimes love will mean discipline. Sometimes it will mean hugs and kisses and affection. Sometimes it will mean ignoring her demands. Sometimes it will mean focusing on her so she knows you love her fiercely. Sometimes it will mean focusing on other things because she needs to know she isn't the only person in the universe; dinner has to get made, and daddy and others need your attention too. That's loving her too because it's equipping her for a balanced life. It doesn't help anyone to think she's the center and everybody needs to jump when she snaps her fingers. It helps to cry and be upset and not always be catered to immediately but learn that mommy is going to get you, and she is going to soothe you, and that everything turns out to be OK even though you had to wait a few minutes.
In the morning I get up and make my husband's lunch for him to take to work. Often Lydia's ready for me to pick her up at that time. But I say to myself - it's good for her to see her mommy not neglecting her dad for her. It'd be one thing if it were an emergency, but it's not an emergency when I'll be ready to pick her up in 10 minutes. She may not understand what I'm doing now - she's too little, but she is practicing having to wait, and more importantly I am starting a pattern that will be in place when she does start to observe and understand these things.
One thing I sometimes do is let her cry for 15 to 30 minutes; I've let her go 45 minutes before - if I've met all her needs; and if she seems sleepy or I've got something I really need to do. Then, after she has worn herself out by crying, I'll nurse her some more, and that helps her to feel more sleepy. If we need to, we'll go through that same cycle several times before she falls asleep.
Just love her. Just LOVE her, whatever that means. Don't focus on making her do anything because you can't make her anyway. You can't make her stop crying. Or make her get good grades. Or make her choose all the right paths in life. But you can love her every step of the way in such a way that she might learn some things that help her on her path through life - that help her develop character and proper relationships with God, people, and the world.
Rely on that James 1 passage. It's a promise. Believe it. Every time you don't know what to do, just ask Him for the wisdom, believe He's going to give it to you, and rest in that.
I hope this helped.
I forgot to mention I do something different at night. Night is for sleeping. I still get up and feed her when she cries, within reason - usually once per night, occasionally twice if I put her down early because she was sleepy early. But when she has been fed, diapered, and burped, and fed some more... There have been a couple of times I unplugged the baby monitor, closed her door, and closed my door so I could sleep. We have to be able to keep our sanity, and we need sleep too.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day, you have to do what helps you keep your sanity and what you feel is right for you. Different people have different parenting styles, and there are all kinds of factors that are different in each home and even with each baby. These are just things that work for me. And by "work for me," - she doesn't always stop crying. And I'm not under any delusion that I do all things perfectly. But it works for me in that I can keep my sanity and I personally feel like I'm doing what's right for my daughter. And that's all we can do. What "works" for you in that way may be different than what works for me. But if any of this helped, that would be great. Take care.