The Lord put this on my heart a couple days ago, to address you specificly. I haven't been able to shake it and so thus this page...just for you.
I remember the moment I saw Caroline for the first time. It was a moment I dreamed about since the day I found out I was pregnant. It did not dissapoint. She was sheer perfection. She was tiny and mine. She was everything that I had prayed for. Those first few days at the hospital were pure bliss.
Then I remember leaving the hospital and having my first few pangs of worry. "Are they really going to let us leave with her?" "Do they know we have no clue what we are doing?"
Those worries only intensified after being home the first few days by ourselves. Your mind goes crazy with every fear you never even thought you could have. I cried more than ever and was beyond exhausted (hence the title of this blog). Yet I had never been more in love in my whole life (hence the title of this blog). Just looking at my daughter sometimes was so overwhelming because I loved her so much I thought my heart would burst.
It is the strangest dicatomy. So hard yet so beautiful. Cloud nine and the lowest pits you have ever been in. Extremely isolating yet your never alone. Pure love and utter frustration.
I had this profound sense that no one understood what I was going through. I felt so lonely and yearned for someone to sympathize with. I want you to know...you have that in me. I understand and I sympathize. Granted I know that there are some of you out there with "perfect" babies...mine was not one of those. She fussed. She cried...and she didn't sleep through the night at 6 weeks. (Still doesn't I should say...there glimmers of hope but yet the consistency) She is "perfect" to me because she is mine and I love her more than life. But if I am going to be honest, motherhood is really hard.
There are things that I have learned over the past 10 months that have helped me so much. Things that I have shared on my blog, that you might find comforting. But more than anything I want you to know that this blog is a place for me to be honest, but also a place for you to be honest. Share with me...and I will share with you. You are not alone...
