My How Time Flies

Yesterday I had the privilege of spending some good quality time with two of my best girlfriends. They BOTH have newborn's (2 weeks and 6 weeks old) while I was childless because C was at preschool.

After I got to shower, do my hair AND makeup I found myself sitting with both of them begging to hold their little ones. You would think with my days off with C at school, holding another child would not be what I wanted to do...but I love these two little girls so much I just couldn't help it!

So I grabbed the first one I could get my hands on and sat there cuddling and gazing at the tiny little miracles before me. One of the sweet ones started to coo and I thought "I am not sure I can remember what Caroline sounded like cooing."

Time flies...doesn't it?

As I loved on, kissed on, and held this little ones I found myself missing those moments with C. I have flipped back through this online journal I call a blog and found some remnants of that time here, here and here.

Again...time flies.

Now she walks, talks, jumps, dances, chases the dog around the house, calls her friends and family by name, tells me when she's hungry, tired or something hurts.

She says "moret" instead of more.
She says "one moret time" when she wants to do something again.
She says "I love you."
She says "I love you...moret"
She loves to play ring around the rosy.
She loves to sing songs.
She loves to say the alphabet (of course missing a few letters along the way.)
She loves to count.
She loves to count to three and jump off of things.
She loves Boots on Dora the Explorer.
She loves The Doodle Bops.
She loves it when her daddy comes home and will skip around the house for the first full minute he walks through the door calling his name with every skip.
She loves to "plex" with her daddy. (wrestle on the bed)
She loves to feed Zeus her scraps from her meal.
She will remind Chris and I to pray before our meals and sneaks a few bites of food while we pray.
She still loves her binky.
She loves to sleep with all her stuffed animals in the bed. Bedtime wouldn't be the same without lamby, baby, wolfe and roo.
She loves to be tickled.
She loves to laugh.
She loves to play.
She loves everything.

I don't want to forget because time goes by so fast. We are quick to remember the firsts of things but don't pause enough to think of the lasts of things.

If time is flying I want to enjoy the view.

Love,
Lindsey

Something is in the air.

The last couple months have been hard on me. Not as a mom (thankfully) but as person. I have been dealing with a lot of difficult stuff, the type of stuff you don't want to deal with. The stuff where when you think about either dealing with it or shoving it back down into the depths of your soul, shoving it down sounds like a better idea.

I can't shove it down anymore, so I guess we should talk about it. I guess I should deal with it.

Maybe it's a woman thing, maybe its just a human thing, but when your self-esteem lies in what others think of you...you're set up for failure. You're setup for pain. You're set up for being disappointed. I have struggled with self-esteem and people pleasing for so long I can't think about a time when I didn't struggle with it. I have allowed myself to change for people and make decisions based on what would make others happy and not what would make myself happy. Because of this I have been in a stupor for much of this year.

It seems that God has had a plan this year to finally rid me of this disease. So He has plucked and pulled at ALL of my relationships. I never realized before how much hope I had put in them. But as one-by-one: my marriage, my friendships, my family were pulled to the forefront and laid bare and open for emotional health surgery.

And surgery has been done. Some have survived. Some haven't.

I now am in recovery. Still in pain. Still healing. Everyday getting better.

I am so thankful that I am taking steps to be in emotionally healthy relationships with others. I am so sad that I have lived for so long thinking I wasn't worth it and that it was better to have lots of friends than have a small number of true friends. I am so thankful that my husband thinks marriage counseling is worth the money and time because he wants to be married to me for the rest of his life, not just the next couple years. I am so thankful that I have realized that no family is perfect and have started loving each of them for who they are.
I am so thankful that i am learning. I am so thankful I am growing.
I am so thankful He is changing me everyday.

I am not going to lie... in a perfect world everyone would like me. But I don't live in a perfect world. And everyone definitely isn't going to like me. But I am going to try and be the best me I can be. I am going to love those who are in my life fiercely, wholly and completely.

My security doesn't lie in others or what they think about me, but in a Savior who made me and loves me just as I am.

He thinks I am awesome...

Recovering,
Lindsey