Something is in the air.
The last couple months have been hard on me. Not as a mom (thankfully) but as person. I have been dealing with a lot of difficult stuff, the type of stuff you don't want to deal with. The stuff where when you think about either dealing with it or shoving it back down into the depths of your soul, shoving it down sounds like a better idea.
I can't shove it down anymore, so I guess we should talk about it. I guess I should deal with it.
Maybe it's a woman thing, maybe its just a human thing, but when your self-esteem lies in what others think of you...you're set up for failure. You're setup for pain. You're set up for being disappointed. I have struggled with self-esteem and people pleasing for so long I can't think about a time when I didn't struggle with it. I have allowed myself to change for people and make decisions based on what would make others happy and not what would make myself happy. Because of this I have been in a stupor for much of this year.
It seems that God has had a plan this year to finally rid me of this disease. So He has plucked and pulled at ALL of my relationships. I never realized before how much hope I had put in them. But as one-by-one: my marriage, my friendships, my family were pulled to the forefront and laid bare and open for emotional health surgery.
And surgery has been done. Some have survived. Some haven't.
I now am in recovery. Still in pain. Still healing. Everyday getting better.
I am so thankful that I am taking steps to be in emotionally healthy relationships with others. I am so sad that I have lived for so long thinking I wasn't worth it and that it was better to have lots of friends than have a small number of true friends. I am so thankful that my husband thinks marriage counseling is worth the money and time because he wants to be married to me for the rest of his life, not just the next couple years. I am so thankful that I have realized that no family is perfect and have started loving each of them for who they are.
I am so thankful that i am learning. I am so thankful I am growing.
I am so thankful He is changing me everyday.
I am not going to lie... in a perfect world everyone would like me. But I don't live in a perfect world. And everyone definitely isn't going to like me. But I am going to try and be the best me I can be. I am going to love those who are in my life fiercely, wholly and completely.
My security doesn't lie in others or what they think about me, but in a Savior who made me and loves me just as I am.
He thinks I am awesome...
Recovering,
Lindsey
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